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 Salentine's Joke Thread... 
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Location: Southern Pastaland
Hi Guys
please enjoy my joke thread, and feel free to post anything funny... but i try to stay away from racial and religous jokes that are likely to offend (i'll post them if you all agree - some are quite nasty though)
to kick it off...

A woman at work accused me of being sexist and derogatory towards woman.
That's total nonsense I love women, especially the ones with big tits.

I predict there will be an earthquake somewhere this afternoon.
The wife is starting Zumba today.

Before the 'Iron Age' I wonder if everything was just creased.

They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.
They just have to swallow their pride.

What is small, red and whispers?
A hoarse radish.

Sylvester Stallone tells us that he is "better at painting than at acting."
I've never seen his paintings, but I agree with him.

If you would like to carry on playing anatomy poker then raise your hand.

I'm switching off the Formula 1.
Its all over bar the krauting.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Last edited by Salentine on Wed Feb 24, 2016 11:19 am, edited 3 times in total.



Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:13 pm
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Which pop star fits linoleum flooring?
Lino Richie.
Hello is it me your looking floor.

Was enjoying a buffet lunch at my local Italian the other day when a huge woman got wedged in the door.
Couldn't get pasta.

The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.
1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Tits

I saw an RAC van parked at the side of the road and the man sat with his head in his hands sobbing.
I thought to myself, ' He's on his way to a breakdown.

I love vegetarian food. All you have to do is add a little meat and it's delicious.

There was a fat girl on the checkouts at the supermarket today and I noticed a partially covered up tattoo on her arm.
"What's your tattoo of?" I asked.
"It's a picture of something that means more to me than anything else in the world," she replied.
I thought about it for a minute. "Your fridge?"
She now refuses to serve me.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:36 pm
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At a poker game last night I let out an appalling Silent But Deadly, and while the other players were using their cards to waft away the stench I got a sneaky peek at what they were holding.
I played my trump card.

Theres a new Bollywood action thriller about a vampire hunter out next week.
It's Van Helsingh

I hope that Lou Reed has a really nice lining in his coffin.
Velvet Underground.

Met Office weather warning: "With high winds in the south, expect objects to come off the line, such as clothing or Joe Hart."

I'm the first blind person without fingers to read braille.
I can't tell you how I feel.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Mon Oct 28, 2013 4:01 am
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To be honest all this hype about the weather today is a bit disappointing.
It's fuck all compared to 'The great storm of me leaving the toothpaste lid off last Tuesday'

My neighbour is such a snob.
I woke up this morning, looked out of the window and saw him showing off his new 30ft Christmas tree that he had on the roof of his car.

Look on the bright side. At least 'leaves on the line' is an acceptable excuse for cancelling trains when they are still attached to the trees.

This man approached me in town, "Would you like a big issue Sir?" He asked.
"No thanks," I replied. "I'm sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home."

I recently updated my status on Facebook to show me Paragliding over the Grand Canyon, followed by a slap up meal in a 5 star hotel in Vegas.
My friends many replies of 'That was amazing, thanks' were very much appreciated.
Though why they all shortened it to the acronym TWAT I just don't get?

I saw a cat getting blown down the street earlier.
Craziest case of bestiality I've ever seen.

My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."

"...very dark, is the other side, very dark."
"Shut up, Yoda. Just eat your fucking toast."

I think it's very racist to suggest that the UK is being overrun by immigrants.
I mean, it's not like there's one up every tree.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Mon Oct 28, 2013 6:12 pm
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I don't know if it's too early but back in the '60s,
I heard Lou Reed fingered, Les, Paul, and someone called Gib's son.

So, Ron Howard's new movie, Rush, is about Niki Lauda. Can't help thinking it should have been called 'Man On Fire'!

A DIY fertility test went on sale in Boots stores across Britain this weekend, allowing men to carry out sperm count checks at home.
I tested mine and found just three sperm.
Two had asthma and one couldn't swim.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Mon Oct 28, 2013 9:59 pm
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My mate asked, "Do you think the Chinese have British takeaways?"
I said, "No, but the Portuguese do."

"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.
"Is," replied my lawyer.

What do you call a bloke from Athens who swells up in the rain?
Absorber the Greek!

I was at immigration at Liverpool airport when the officer asked the shifty looking guy in front of me...
"Have you come here to work?"
"Fuck me no", he said in a thick Scouse accent, "I live here".

I've just made a life size jelly of Robert Mugabe.
I fear I may have set a dangerous president.

I got back to my home last night to find the washing machine,dryer, and dish washer had been completely destroyed in the small hurricane.
I though claiming house insurance would be the best option until I realised her life insurance would pay out more.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Tue Oct 29, 2013 1:27 pm
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The word for whore in Spanish is 'puta', in Italian it's 'puttana' and in French it's 'putain'.
I don't know what the word is in Russian, but I have my suspicions.

I've put together an orchestra comprising of homeless people.
We've got a very large hobo section.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Tue Oct 29, 2013 7:28 pm
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Girls, you can tell a lot about a man by his shoes.
If he's throwing them at you, hurry the fuck up with his dinner.

My girlfriend's eyes have been stuck together since I shot my load in them last night.
I think she must have conspunktiveyetis.

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...
Then breaking the silence I spoke ...
"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ..

I've been speed dating to improve my skills.
Until recently, it was taking me too long to get the lid off the chloroform.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Wed Oct 30, 2013 5:30 am
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I went on a blind date last night.
"So then, what do you do for a living?" I asked.
"Guess," she giggled.
"Are you a hypnotist?" I said.
"No," she laughed. "Why do you think that?"
"Because my friend told me you were good looking."

It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.
It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.

I'm the kind of man who stands by his convictions.
Although I should probably leave them off my CV.

Ever since I gave my uncle a surprise brewery tour for his 50th all my family have turned their back on me.
So he missed one AA meeting. Big deal.

I was challenged to a game of darts in the pub.
I said to the guy, "I've never played before. I'm not sure which hand to throw it with."
He laughed and said, "Well, which hand do you wank with?"
I replied, "Usually your Mum's."

What is The KKKs favorite song?
Knights in White Satin.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Thu Oct 31, 2013 6:33 pm
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As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."
"Last night was crazy." I replied.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome."
"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.
"No, she was out."

As a bad flier, shortly after take-off I was so nervous I suddenly needed a piss. I also wanted a brandy to settle my nerves.
Sweating, I left my seat and started up the aisle. "Is there anything you need, sir?" asked a stewardess.
"...a...a loo and a bar," I stammered.
And that's when they all jumped on me.

I was busy stacking boxes of washing powder in the supermarket I work at when my new girlfriend walked in.
"You lying bastard" she screamed "you said you were a stunt pilot."
"No I didn't" I shouted back "I said I was part of an Aerial display team."

I went into a shop today to buy a Dracula costume.
The girl tried to sell me a Manchester United shirt.
I said, "I think you misheard me", I said "I wanted to look like a Count!"

Noel Edmunds is pleading innocence as he claims that his favourite boxes are over 16

That's some career path.
From swap shop to the cop shop.

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Diavolo_Rosso > Jaegeroo > Salentine


Fri Nov 01, 2013 10:26 am
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